Below is a checklist for hidden anger. As I came across this in The Journey last week, I noticed some of these things apply to me...
CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER
1. Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.
2. Perpetual or habitual lateness.
3. A liking for sarcastic or ironic humor.
4. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation.
5. Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin-n-bear-it".
6. Frequent sighing.
7. Smiling while hurting.
8. Over-controlled monotone speaking voice.
9. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams.
10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.
11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about.
12. Slowing down of movements.
13. Getting tired more easily than usual.
14. Excessive irritability over trifles.
15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times.
16. Sleeping more than usual.
17. Waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed.
18. Clenched jaws --- especially while sleeping.
19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unconsciously.
20. Grinding of the teeth --- especially while sleeping.
21. Chronically stiff or sore neck.
22. Chronic depression --- extended periods of feeling down for no reason.
I can recall the days when I didn't like going to work... I absolutely DID NOT want to be there! This is where procrastination came into play! Without fail, I would be 5-7 minutes late everyday to work! I was rebelling, this was my way to "stick it to the man" so to speak! I was angry that my superiors were treating me disrespectfully and had little to no concern about me and all the junk that was going on in my life. I needed to work to pay for my medications for depression, I was being harassed by my estranged husband (he'd call daily - to the point I couldn't even answer the phones at work), and I needed to be able to pay for therapy & doctor sessions.
I was very surprised to see sarcasm on this list! *I'm not being sarcastic*
As I begin to peel away the layers of memories in my past, I noticed I've always been sarcastic. I thought it was in my blood. I would joke that "Sarcasm" was my middle name. I've come to the realization that I have plenty of anger stored up from my parents divorce ( I was only 6 years old when they divorced); from the abandonment I felt when they split. I only saw my father during the summers and it was hard for me to comprehend why they were apart? I'm also upset that my ex-husband had (early on in our marriage) emotionally abandoned me - because I trusted him to be there like we promised in our marriage vows. It was hard to be around someone that claimed to love you, but wasn't ever there for you. I was angry at God for saving my life and it's taken a year or two for me to realize that He had a bigger plan for me. I'm actively living my faith and trusting God for it all. I'm not sure what all He has in store, but I'm at a better place in life with Him, than without Him - jobless and all!