24 January 2009

It's been a while...

I know it's been a while since I have 
blogged and to be honest, I really haven't
been in the mood to pour out my thoughts.
Hey, today's a good day as any right?  
My days have been consumed with 
sleeping and facebook-ing, and by 
facebook-ing I mean looking for former
friends from high school and grade school.  
I really need to stop because it's 
depressing me as I take a look back at the 
trials I've faced and the new trials that I am 
currently facing compared to where my 
former classmates are in life. Many are married and have children
and that's not where I'm at. But these are the choices that I've made
for myself.

I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, yet in my 
sinfulness and selfishness I'm not captivating my own thoughts... 
they are running away at a high rate of speed! My intentions 
were not to compare myself to others in this pursuit of reconnecting 
but I let it go there. How is it that I can turn it around? I think I have 
to resolve some things in my past... things that keep me from moving
forward toward God's will and purpose for my life. There are pieces 
of my life that I have ignored and tried to sweep under my heart's rug.  
I know that if I want to learn from my mistakes I need to confront my 
mistakes and seek not only God's forgiveness, but my own forgive-
ness.  These choices were made with purely selfish motives, never 
once looking to God for His advice. Now I'm looking at the "end" 
results and I only have myself to thank!  *sarcasm* As I look back,
there are many choices that I wouldn't approve of making - and if they
came at me again today things would be different! I don't think I 
would have given up so easily!  

What I recognize now as absolute truths are important to me and so 
is God's direction for my life (wherever that is). I find myself not 
knowing where that is and to be honest it's quite frustrating (can 
anyone relate?) !  God's waiting room is where I'm lounging... and at 
times I'm comfortable there, but not right now!


I've never really thought of me as being the kind of person who 
reflects on my past nor really the "intellectual" (now, I'm not saying 
I'm stupid by any means, I'm just not a deep thinker), but as I've 
made that statement (out loud) just recently I've find myself 
reflecting.  I think God wants me to look back and learn so as to not 
repeat, but more importantly I think He wants me to come to Him with
all things (big and small, past and present) looking to Him for 
guidance - to realign myself with His focus and not my own.  I know 
He can heal me from my past, showing me where my unresolved
hurts lie deep within my heart and bringing me through them.