Do you have anger?

Below is a checklist for hidden anger.  As I came across this in The Journey last week, I noticed some of these things apply to me...

CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER

1. Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.

2. Perpetual or habitual lateness.

3. A liking for sarcastic or ironic humor.

4. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation.

5. Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin-n-bear-it".

6. Frequent sighing.

7. Smiling while hurting.

8. Over-controlled monotone speaking voice.

9. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams.

10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about.

12. Slowing down of movements.

13. Getting tired more easily than usual.

14. Excessive irritability over trifles.

15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times.

16. Sleeping more than usual.

17. Waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed.

18. Clenched jaws --- especially while sleeping.

19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unconsciously.

20. Grinding of the teeth --- especially while sleeping.

21. Chronically stiff or sore neck.

22. Chronic depression --- extended periods of feeling down for no reason.

I can recall the days when I didn't like going to work... I absolutely DID NOT want to be there!  This is where procrastination came into play!  Without fail, I would be 5-7 minutes late everyday to work!  I was rebelling, this was my way to "stick it to the man" so to speak!  I was angry that my superiors were treating me disrespectfully and had little to no concern about me and all the junk that was going on in my life.  I needed to work to pay for my medications for depression, I was being harassed by my estranged husband (he'd call daily - to the point I couldn't even answer the phones at work), and  I needed to be able to pay for therapy & doctor sessions.   

I was very surprised to see sarcasm on this list!  *I'm not being sarcastic* 

As I begin to peel away the layers of memories in my past, I noticed I've always been sarcastic.  I thought it was in my blood.  I would joke that "Sarcasm" was my middle name. I've come to the realization that I have plenty of anger stored up from my parents divorce ( I was only 6 years old when they divorced); from the abandonment I felt when they split.  I only saw my father during the summers and it was hard for me to comprehend why they were apart?  I'm also upset that my ex-husband had (early on in our marriage) emotionally abandoned me - because I trusted him to be there like we promised in our marriage vows.  It was hard to be around someone that claimed to love you, but wasn't ever there for you.  I was angry at God for saving my life and it's taken a year or two for me to realize that He had a bigger plan for me.  I'm actively living my faith and trusting God for it all.  I'm not sure what all He has in store, but I'm at a better place in life with Him, than without Him - jobless and all! 

 

A poem written on the bus ride to Mammoth...

PILLAR

Strong & secure.

Beautiful & functional.

You strengthen the weak

and solidly support the broken.

Eternally indestructible,

capable of miracles.

My life, a rooftop,

exposed to worldly dangers -

detrimental winds and waters,

where muck and mire cloud 

my effectiveness because I let it,

but you wash me clean and use it 

for growth and goodness.

You keep me intact and off the ground.

My materials alone are inferior and simple,

yet You overflow my eaves with blessings.

As Your tools promote change within me, 

I, too, am strengthened -

increasing in trust and faith for You, 

not relying on my own components to do the work.

Your ways are just and never wrong -

structurally sound & holy founded.

To You, my Pillar, 

it is only You that lifts me up!

Journey

Today begins a new journey, which ironically has me dealing with my past.  For the next 7 weeks instead of attending The Gathering at church I'll be attending The Journey.  I really enjoy The Gathering and I look forward to returning soon, but since these two groups meet on the same night at the same time, I've decided to take a deeper look into my heart and I've come to realize that I haven't dealt with many issues in my past.  My goal is to grow closer to God by learning how to grieve.

It seems strange to think about grieving = growing, but I've ignored some things in my past and I need to sort through them.  I look back now and I don't know where to begin or how to begin the grieving process!  Voila!  Here's an opportunity designed to help me do just that!  God's working in me and I want to obey.

Some of the topics of grieving include:

• Depression
• Job loss
• Divorce
• Loss of a loved one
• Anger

Looks like I've got a lot to learn.  Each of the above listed topics have affected me personally and I want to deal with them individually.  I think this will help me learn from my mistakes (or the choices I've made), introduce positive coping skills in my life, and more importantly I will learn how to lay these things at Jesus' feet through grieving.  I think this is NOT going to be easy.  I feel many different emotions as I type this blog, but I know God's way does not equal the easy way.  So this journey begins tonight and I'm going to miss my friends at The Gathering, but I know I'll be a better person for having done this.