As I look back and remember more good times than bad, the scariest times are the ones where I was vulnerable - not knowing whether judgment or acceptance would result. Now as the pain and hurt builds like a volcano upon eruption and the need is great to try to cover up and ignore it, I know God has given me these emotions to feel and share with Him. Ignoring them doesn't bring Him the glory of being in the midst of every relationship, both past and present.
In my former relationships (friendships and more), ones that I would have previously considered as failures, I have a new outlook on what they were... I took each "failure" personally, wondering what I did wrong, never giving the other person credit that "it" might not really be about me. Wow, I had a pretty selfish view of my relationships... believing I could make or break their existence!
If I hadn't been vulnerable I would not have been able to love deeply. I know what I feel right now is a temporary sensation, not something that will prohibit my future relationships (this is a BIG step for me - an old pattern that has now ended). Loving others is worth the pain when you have received their love in return! Now I know I need to focus on honoring God in my relationships. He will bring people in my life that I can absolutely trust and be vulnerable with, as He sees fit. I place my trust in God knowing He knows what relationships are BEST for me, better than I could ever imagine, who is good for me, who will help me honor Him through that relationship. I'm sorry that some relationships are not the same, nor are they growing (in my life), but it doesn't mean that I don't care/love each person. On the contrary, I am probably honoring God more so now because I still do love them (through the pain) and pray for them...
I have found a safe person to open up with and be more vulnerable and honest with than I ever have been in the past. Those risks have been rewarded (not necessarily right off the bat), and as the risks are rewarded I become bolder in being myself. And this person knows more of who I really am, and loves me anyway. That is true friendship, and so much more rewarding. To find someone who is willing to take the time to find out who you are, and work through the difficulties and misunderstandings, and love you anyway...those are the real gems!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes God uses other people in our lives to grow and stretch us. And even to heal us and reveal his character to us. He will bring beauty from ashes and bind up the broken hearted. And he may use other people (safe people) to do this.
And one day, you will turn around and support someone else, who will be wearing the same shoes that you are wearing now. And you will be able to say, "I know what you are going through." And that connection will give him/her encouragement too.
God will use this, if you let him.