Tiffany

Utah Missions re: Trinity

2011-08-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's been four days since my return from the week long missions trip to Utah (a.k.a. Reformed Egypt for those of you who know the inside joke) and I find it wasn't nearly long enough to make real connections with the missionary sisters that I met.

I don't know what it is... but spending time learning about other religions/beliefs really help me stay rooted in what I know is God's full Truth! I can't believe how many contradictions there are within the LDS faith, especially the ones that contradict the Bible (of which they believe also to be God's Word, partly). The Bible states that the Trinity: God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit are One (not Three who are One in purpose -- an LDS belief). Today I want to talk about the Trinity.

You can find this info, where the Father is called God in Jn. 6:27 and Phil. 2:11; where Jesus is called God in Jn 1:1 and 14, Titus 2:13, Heb 1:8, and 1 Jn 5:20; the Holy Spirit is called God in Acts 5:3-4. In Matthew 28:19, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit," I underlined the word "name", notice it doesn't read "names" plural, but singular! In Jn 10:30, Jesus says, "I and the Father are one." Do you really believe the Jews attempted to stone Jesus when He made that statement because He was "a god" and not "their God"? The Jews knew what Jesus was saying... He was saying that He was their One and only God, not a god in "one purpose"!

In the Book of Mormon you find in the introduction within The Testimony of Three Witness the last full sentence, "And the honor be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost, which is one God. Amen." In 2 Nephi 31:21, "...And now, behold, this is the doctrine of Christ, and the only and true doctrine of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, which is one God, without end, Amen." In 3 Nephi 11:36 Jesus states, "And this will the Father bear record of me, and the Holy Ghost will bear record unto him of the Father and me; for the Father, and I, and the Holy Ghost are one." I'm not sure how this doctrine gets perverted into something else entirely... oh wait I do, Satan! His hands are all over this belief system.

When talking about the Trinity (and much more) with the missionary sisters at Temple Square, they fell back on their "feelings", never really searching for Truth outside of the Book of Mormon. I shared how our feelings are deceptive, see Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (I wish I could have remembered this passage reference at the time). Mormonism is a feeling "religion", they know it's from God if they get a feeling (usually a warmness in their bosom). We read in the Bible that we can't trust our feelings and as a matter of fact often times we are supposed to act opposite our feelings, since feelings can lead us astray.

My learning and sharing isn't over just because I'm back in San Diego! I look forward to additional opportunities while here in my own back yard!

The Beautiful Baobab Tree

2010-12-29T15:33:00.000-08:00

Baobab Tree at Sunset (Senegal 2010)

I don't know why but the beautiful Baobab tree has left an impression on me. I can't say too many trees or plants (or flowers for that matter) have ever left me wanting more. This African tree is steeped with rich tradition by many native people (unfortunately not much in the way of honoring God because many natives pray and even make offerings to it). Some Senegalese believe they are making offerings to their ancestors' spirits by leaving dishes of food. They break the dishes so the food runs to the ground to be eaten by the spirits. They have even been used as burial sites once the trunks are hollowed out.

Fun fact: the Baobab tree has gone Disney! In Disney's Lion King it is know as the "Tree of Life". I can see how the nickname came into being... this ginormous tree has many attributes (yes, I just used a word that probably doesn't exist)... besides storing water in it's enormously wide trunk (up to 60 feet in girth), it's so big that it has been known to house animals as well as people for shelter. These trees have been measured up to 75 feet tall. It's bark has cork-like characteristics making it fire-resistant. The cork is used for cloth and rope and unlike most trees they don't produce internal rings (for dating), they need to be radio-carbon tested to determine its age, which can be up to 2000 years!

It even produces fruit, of which I had the likes of trying. The fruit is gourd-like, filled with dark brown seeds (the size of gumballs) covered by a white, milky-looking, dry pulp. The edible portion of this fruit is this white "stuff". A common name for this fruit is "monkey bread". Just pop a seed in your mouth and let the pulp dissolve. Then spit out the seed! Easy enough! This fruit is high in vitamin C and aids in stopping diarrhea. Add water to the pulp and voilà a drink very similar to lemonade.

Monkey Bread fruit hangs from trees

Inside the gourd shaped fruit

By grinding down the leaves into a powder, it gets added to many dishes making it a spice as well. What more could you want from a tree? I'm just going to have to say it... it's my favorite tree!

And thanks to Charlize Theron and her Africa Outreach Project, if you buy these Tom's shoes you are helping improve the health, education, and social development of high schoolers in South Africa.

Stormy Night in San Diego

2010-12-22T10:50:00.000-08:00

I love this weather! As I lay in bed last night, blinds raised, not only could I hear the rain splashing down making large puddles in the backyard- wave after wave, not seeming to let up… but also the wind whipped along through the two trees outside my window. A flash of lightening on the rare occasion also found a way to be in last night’s performance. It was too dark to see the rain, but I sure could see its affects… as the night was backlit by the city lights facing north-eastward toward the local airport, the trees were silhouetted.

I've enjoyed the leaves on the eucalyptus tree dancing and swaying in the commotion, like ballet dancers, fluid and free. I wish I could take a picture that could show the story I’ve laid before you. But alas, I can only try to share with you what I see using my simple words above. I hope you’ve been able to personally experience some of the beauty that has taken place during this San Diego winter storm…?

Kinked

2010-08-26T21:47:00.000-07:00

Twisted and blocked, not freely flowing.
God's love expressed as Living Water,
   Poured out for all who thirst.
Jesus is the Ultimate Refreshment!
Quenched only by Him.
I, too, am made in His image and can
   lead the thirsty to drink.
Unkinked, God's love is flowing through me;
   Kinked, I have bitterness and unforgiveness escaping me.
Straighten me out as only You can do.
Make me a wellspring for others to know Your grace and love.

Ohhhhh the simple pleasures of golf!

2010-08-20T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've really begun to enjoy golfing... eventhough I'm a perfectionist and not exceptionally good at it, I have experienced some pleasure playing. One simple pleasure is not losing too many balls - my first instinct, when I lose a ball is to hunt for it until I find it! I don't like to give up so easily and "let it go" like my grandfather wants me too. I'm more apt to give up when I know someone else is waiting to tee off on the same hole. Another simple pleasure is solid contact... not going left or right, but sailing right down the middle of the fairway. Yesterday I had experienced that simple pleasure! The only problem was I threw my back out in the process! :( The first two shots off the tee on the second hole were horrible, so much so the balls were officially "lost" and then as I placed the third ball on the tee I thought to myself: "take easily, don't swing too hard, just relax and hit the ball". Which is exactly what I did! I must have hit the ball using the "sweet spot" on head of the club because it sailed farther than I'd ever seen it go! This hole is a par four, so the fairway is quite lenghty and my ball landed just outside the green. This hole, which normally takes two hits to the green, took me one! Sweet! I think I would have been more ecstatic if I wasn't so rigid with pain in my torso! Needless to say, my day of golfing was abruptly over.

Deep breathing became difficult and painful so I made an appointment with a chiropractor; I was worried I might have slipped a disc or something. So later that morning and the chiro diagnosed me with a muscle strain near my lower ribs (on the right side of my body). Thankfully my spine wasn't totally out of whack! He adjusted my T-7 and T-10 vertebrae. Afterward, Courtney massaged the affected region, trying to losen up that area. With an icepack on my back and a computer on my lap... here I am blogging!

Today feels much better, but I'm not out of the woods yet. I'm going to need to take it easy and probably lay off golfing for at least a week! That's the latest with me...

One particular Egyptian house visit that will leave a lasting impression on me...

2010-08-14T12:21:00.000-07:00

The young boy between Risa and I just had surgery.

The boy in the photo to the left has a special place in my heart... when we visited him and his family we learned he just had surgery on his liver. It's a two hour ride to Cairo (to the doctors and hospital) which is quite the distance when you don't have your own transportation nor is it very reliable when you need to get a ride there.

Back to this young man (I wish I remembered his name)... he is 10 and he recently went in for surgery on his stomach, the doctors found tumors, 17 of them to be exact! They were only able to remove one during the surgery... then it gets a little fuzzy why they couldn't remove more (or all for that matter) - it was literally lost in translation. Maybe his body was too weak to endure a lengthy surgery? We were told that his fragile body would never be able to endure any more surgeries, so the doctors sent him back home with medication (to help shrink the tumors). It's unfortunate that the medication he was given makes him sick and takes away his appetite... so he doesn't have any energy to eat and remains weakened. The grandma went to get something to show us. She came back with some gauze and began unraveling it. It was the tumor that the doctors removed. It was just over an inch and maybe a half long and approximately the circumference of a jolly rancher.

God is so awesome placing Risa and I as the two missionaries that visited this young man, because we could relate to his struggle...

You see, Risa was sick before coming to Egypt. She was pretty much out of commission for at least the two weeks leading up to the trip and the first couple days of the trip. She had no appetite and felt nauseous - without any explanation along with some other symptoms. She did her best to share her story and encourage him to eat even when he didn't "feel" like it because he needs the strength for his body to fight and to heal. I, on the other hand, related to the surgery-side of his story. I had surgery on my stomach when I was 3 days old! I desperately wanted to show him my scar on my belly, but revealing my stomach is a cultural no-no! So I tried to encourage him and share the healing powers of Jesus with him. As you can see in the above photograph, it's a struggle for him to sit there and listen, but I wanted to share how God has the power to change and heal him, like He did me. Here I am, 30-some-odd years later and thankful for the opportunity to tell a part of the story God gave me with him, in hope that he becomes hopeful and makes the decision to do his part in the healing process. After we shared our struggles with him and the rest of the family, we were privileged to pray over him and were struck at just how God totally orchestrated this family to be one of our families to visit. I believe no one else on our team would have been able to personally share and relate in the same way as we did! I do pray God heals him and he becomes a living testament of God's healing for others!

Relational Intelligence?

2010-08-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

So... I've got this new book that I'm beginning to read. It's called Relational Intelligence by Steve Saccone. At Catalyst we've started learning what it means to be relationally intelligent in our sphere of influence. Assad has been doing a great job sharing what he has learned thus far with us and thought we might also benefit from reading the book ourselves since it's packed with a lot of applicable information. I'm sure I'll be sharing more about this when I dive more into the readings.... I just wanted to share what's new with me.

Following Him...

2010-06-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe Egypt is right around the corner... just days away (5 to be exact)! I'm in the mindset of packing now, deciding what to bring as the suitcase lays open on floor beckoning me to fill it up with the essentials. There is other prep to do as well: plane goodies for my carry-on, documentation, one day change of clothes (just in case my suitcase doesn't arrive when I do), Bible, notebook(s), power adapter, modifying FB alerts to my cell, you name it I'm trying to remember to bring it or take care of it before I leave.

Excitement is creeping in, but more importantly some of the things that were occupying/consuming my mind are falling away. God is answering my prayers, changing my heart, healing my emotions and attitudes! This morning a dear friend called me (at a time I normally would be sleeping but wasn't) and she wanted to share a piece of Scripture that spoke to her heart and reminded her of me. Psalm 31 if you click on the link it will take you to the NIV passage. I'm so encouraged by others who share how encouraged they are as witnesses through my daily living. God calls me to be salt and light... who knows who is watching? Who knows the lives I will touch by choosing to live for God (and not myself)?

As I mentally prepare for what Egypt has in store for me and my teammates, I remain in my faith and that what I think or want to happen might not line up with what God has in store; He is there before us preparing others' hearts for our trip. What He plans might be far from my understanding, but I hope that our steps of obedience are honoring to Him, however He decides to use them. I'm looking forward to blogging more and adding pictures while there.

EFCC Women's Retreat 2010

2010-05-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend was the first time in 5 years that EFCC has had a women's retreat off campus! We went to the beautiful Calvary Chapel Conference Center/Bible College in Murrieta Hot Springs, CA. There were approximately 100 women in attendance and our guest speaker was Marilyn Laszlo.

Marilyn Laszlo spent 24 years with the Sepik Iwam people of Papua New Guinea. She helped them "carve" their language and translated the Bible into that language! Jungle living is unfathomable to me! I am, by no means, NOT a high maintenance woman, but in comparison to living with next to nothing in the jungle, I most definitely am! I heard incredible stories of these two white women entering an all black (naked) jungle village and asking to live with them. Can you imagine what might sound like? First the language barrier: these villagers had NO clue what the women were saying and vice versa, let alone asking of them to share their lives! Second: they were thought to be ghosts, not people. Not male. Not female, but ghosts! But they were offered up a place to live by the graveyard hillside. Of course they didn't know it was a graveyard they were sleeping on...

After this weekend and the Hume work week back during the first week of May, I feel as though God is affirming my decision to be a part of the short term missions team I am on! It definitely has been a step of faith, knowing how far out of my comfort zone I'll be and fully relying on what God will do; using me in any way He choses on the journey there and the whole while I'm there until I return. I'm thankful for this opportunity and look forward to see what is in store for me and the team!

The above picture is so beautiful. The notes you see pinned onto the cross occurred Saturday evening during communion. The women were asked to get right before God: to confess their sins and leave them at the cross! We're all sinners and God wants us to confess our sins to Him. When we do so we're immediately forgiven and on that path of reconciliation with Him! Doesn't that warm your heart? Unconditional love includes forgiveness. As faulted and flawed people we must also forgive ourselves. When God forgives us, we MUST also forgive us! I've been guilty of confessing to God, but not forgiving myself! If God can forgive me, who am I to say that God isn't good enough? That's what I'm doing when I don't forgive myself!!

Is there anything that you might be holding back from God by choosing not to forgive yourself? We are called to be set free and that includes self-condemnation! Let God deal with your sin, He's more gracious and merciful than we will ever be!

What if God were selfish?

2010-04-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

Blessings would fade...

The generosity of others would all pass away.

Fend for yourself... creatures of the land, air, and sea!

No.
More.
Relying.
On.
Me!

We would be pawns on a chessboard sacrificed at His whim.

No one to come along beside us--

No encouraging words or a shoulder to cry on...

only unanswered prayer.

While the laughter of our requests roll like thunder from His lips.

In His eyes what fools we appear to be...

Jesus would be a mystery.

No Christmas, no Easter!

What an awful place to be...

Vulnerability is worth it...

2010-04-05T11:10:00.000-07:00

As I look back and remember more good times than bad, the scariest times are the ones where I was vulnerable - not knowing whether judgment or acceptance would result. Now as the pain and hurt builds like a volcano upon eruption and the need is great to try to cover up and ignore it, I know God has given me these emotions to feel and share with Him. Ignoring them doesn't bring Him the glory of being in the midst of every relationship, both past and present.

In my former relationships (friendships and more), ones that I would have previously considered as failures, I have a new outlook on what they were... I took each "failure" personally, wondering what I did wrong, never giving the other person credit that "it" might not really be about me. Wow, I had a pretty selfish view of my relationships... believing I could make or break their existence!

If I hadn't been vulnerable I would not have been able to love deeply. I know what I feel right now is a temporary sensation, not something that will prohibit my future relationships (this is a BIG step for me - an old pattern that has now ended). Loving others is worth the pain when you have received their love in return! Now I know I need to focus on honoring God in my relationships. He will bring people in my life that I can absolutely trust and be vulnerable with, as He sees fit. I place my trust in God knowing He knows what relationships are BEST for me, better than I could ever imagine, who is good for me, who will help me honor Him through that relationship. I'm sorry that some relationships are not the same, nor are they growing (in my life), but it doesn't mean that I don't care/love each person. On the contrary, I am probably honoring God more so now because I still do love them (through the pain) and pray for them...

Lent '10

2010-03-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

Like in years past, this season of Lent brought about the absence of candy in my life. For no particular reason, this year seemed exceptionally difficult (I think it's getting even harder)! I've kept my promise/sacrifice and have not eaten any candy- and for those of you that really know me, it's a difficult challenge to say the least. The count down has begun, 5 days to go...

Psychologically it's weighed heavy on my mind... these 40+ days without candy. I had dreams of "cheating" on my sacrifice. I would be aware, only after eating, that I was not supposed to be eating candy and wake up feeling guilty! I can't ever recall this omission ever effecting me this way. I am thankful they were just dreams!

Promises

2010-03-08T11:13:00.000-08:00

Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. 2Pet 1:4

Christ accepts us : Revelation 3:20; John 6:37
God gives eternal life : John 5:24; John 10:28
God forgives us : 1 John 1:7-9; Isaiah 1:18
God is faithful to us : Joshua 1:9; Isaiah 41:10
God comforts us : Psalm 23
Christ is always with us : Matthew 28:20; Hebrews 13:5,6
God protects us from harm : Psalm 91; Psalm 121
God gives us courage : Hebrews 13:5,6; Ephesians 6:10-18
God gives us wisdom : James 1:5
God gives us the strength to refuse temptation : 1 Corinthians 10:6-13; James 1:12-16
God answers prayer : John 15:7
God gives peace of mind : Philippians 4:6,7
God guides us : Psalm 32:8,9
God relieves us from suffering : 2 Corinthians 12:8-10
God gives us rest : Matthew 11:28,29

I not only need to be reminded of these promises by God, I need to accept them for myself! When there are days I feel alone, tired, scatter-brained, weak, etc. this blog list will be a handy tool for me (and maybe for you too) where in the Bible these above promises live.

Peripety? What the heck does that mean?

2010-02-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

According to Dictionary.com the definition of peripety is a sudden turn of events or an unexpected reversal (especially in a literary work). I came across this word during a Beth Moore Bible study (Esther) video that I saw the other morning. In all my 36 years here on this earth I have never heard of this word (but I bet there are plenty of words that I've never heard before...). Side note: this strange sounding word makes me want to sing "Parumpapapum"!

I thought it was interesting to hear Beth Moore- in all her southern glorious accent talk about most people not being able to recognize a divine peripety in their own lives! I, on the other hand, was immediately drawn to the event of all events that completely reversed the path I was headed down! The event in question occurred back in August 2004 and I would have to pinpoint it right down to hearing these words uttered to me, "I can't find the baby's heartbeat". That hinge in my life was like getting smacked in the face by a swinging door- stunning and shocking! But if I had never miscarried, the event leading up to my suicide attempt, then my divorce, and finally my surrender to God would not have turned me around! You see, I wasn't really walking down the path God chose for me, I was creating my own path, stubborn as I was, finding myself unfulfilled in a Godless marriage and dancing with the devil.

Today I see things differently... it was then that I was lost, blind, mute, and deaf. Today I have abundant life flowing through me. A life filled with Christ, living for Him and not for myself.

My favorite Scripture verse is Jeremiah 29:11 -

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

What at first appeared to me as "harm" actually became hope, His hope and a future to be in heaven with Him!

The Fingerprints of God

2010-02-03T13:07:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning, thinking about how faithful God has been to me, protecting me from many potential disasters...

I shared my testimony at The Gathering last Thursday and added to my story that even before I knew God, He was there protecting me... I had life-saving, emergency surgery at 3 days old to correct a mal-rotation of my intestines, which if I didn't have the surgery I would have surely died from malnutrition (since I was unable to keep any food down). And while the doctors had me open they removed my appendix which was on the wrong side.

What came to mind this morning was God's hands of protection around me one summer weekend afternoon while visiting family in Arizona as a young child. I recall splashing around in some running water across the street from my cousin's house to escape the heat of the hot desert sun! I, along with my sister and cousins kicked up the running water (where the sidewalk and pavement met) at one another laughing and cooling off at the same time. When all of a sudden we were across the street, 4 or 5 houses down the block, without a care in the world. Slowly driving toward us was a man in a brown sedan... something very suspicious stood out about this man. All my cousins and sister ran home before I knew what was going on. God made me aware that I was needing to find a safe haven, that this man could be dangerous so I ran to the nearest house! Ringing the doorbell and frantically knocking at a neighbor's door, I was shielded by tall trees that blocked the view from the street, but no one answered. I was so scared and didn't know what else to do...

I finally heard my aunt from across the street telling me it was safe to cross the street and come back home. As the story goes, all the kids ran home and told my aunt there was a car creeping down the block and I was still outside. She went outside to the edge of her lawn with hands on her hips, staring down the man in the car - daring him to be on his way!

There is more evidence in my life that God has always been there and it makes me wonder about the things I don't know that He has spared me and protected me from? If my life was a crime scene, I'm sure God's fingerprints would be all over my life!

Being A Resident In The City Of Pessimism...

2010-01-26T19:02:00.000-08:00

Being a resident in the city of Pessimism has its challenges! At first glance, pessimism seems like an easy way of life, but I'm here to tell you it is not! Negativity, hopelessness, and acedia are serious conditions led on by spiritual warfare. I don't know about you, but to me negativity comes effortlessly. Why? For me, it's a means of self-protection.

I haven't heard God's voice, but I have heard Satan's (negative voice) and it sounds a lot like my own voice! I realize I must choose to not listen to that voice but have an awareness of what God is saying (because He is speaking to me) by the way He moves within me (through my heart) and for me, that equates to a feeling deep inside- nothing audible. I must say, "hearing" speaks louder than "feeling".

Thankfully, the fruit of the Spirit is a free gift to us - those who have accepted Christ as their Savior. And part of that fruit is joy - God's joy! Joy can't live in the city of Pessimism because it is a polar opposite of God goodness, therefore we must fight and not give in to Satan's ploys to strip us of that joy.

On occasion I find myself not choosing joy because I don't want to get hurt! I know I'm wrongfully equating my circumstances with whether or not I am joyful. Why can't my eternal salvation be the focus of all my circumstances and thus be filled with joy? I speak to God about this particular struggle and pray for a new mindset when it comes to the topic of joy.

Mammoth Retreat '10

2010-01-20T16:50:00.000-08:00

I was so excited for this year's winter retreat with The Gathering... back out to Mammoth for the second year in a row (and for those that know me - I don't get excited easily, in fact that feeling is almost unrecognizable in my life). I had my bags packed the Monday before we left (and we left on Friday)! Last year I didn't really have the winter necessities (clothing & shoes) that would enhance me wanting to be in the cold and snow. But this year, I was prepared to thoroughly enjoy the cold (either buying or borrowing goodies). For the first time ever I thought to myself, I could live in a place that had snow (I'm not so sure about driving in it though)! The beauty of God's creation was so humbling and inspirational that I didn't want to leave. And due to the big snow storm coming in we had to leave a day early. I was sooooo bummed!

This year's topic for the winter retreat was FAITH (Faith That Can Move Mammoth Mountains)! The first night was about "mustard seed sized faith". Learning that

My faith results in obedience.
My faith results in trusting God's faithfulness. ==> not trusting in myself, but in a Great God
My faith results in eternity with God.

Faith is equated with trust and belief.

The second night I was challenged to believe "Did God Really Say...?"

The lesson brought to my mind Beth Moore's, "Believing God" Bible study I did a year ago (or so). Believing God for what He says and for who He is, not just believing in God (His existence). Even Satan believes in God and it's our sin that tells us that God isn't enough, which is what Satan is hoping for because he wants to steal our lives away from God and rob us of the fullness of life that God gives to us. Being totally honest with myself, there are areas in my life where I struggle to believe God - it's usually in 'fear-based' areas where this struggle occurs.

This year I want to get real with God and myself and break free from these fears and begin exercising more faith-based actions and decisions.

Expectations?

2009-10-25T14:37:00.000-07:00

I recently had an epiphany about relationships and expectations (that I can thank Vicki for). I guess I never really thought I held expectations of the people in my life, but I do. So lately I've been thinking about what kinds of expectations I impose on the people I love (without even realizing it).

Here's some that I've been able to recognize:

Spending time with me
Sharing life experiences - happy and sad
Responsiveness/acknowledgment
Touching base with me (if we've been out of touch)

Where did these expectations come from? Did I grow up with them? Do I impose them on others even more so now, that I'm not busy (employed) and I have so much time on my hands? Am I substituting my need to be linked with others, so much so, that I'm ignoring the most important relationship I should be focusing on... the one with God? I would love to say that I put God before my friends, but through introspection and God's revelation to me, I realize the opposite is true! Why do I listen to the ultimate Deceiver, because it is he that wants to destroy my relationship with God? He wants me to believe God isn't enough for me and I think I fall into the trap that people aren't enough, therefore God can't be either! I have so much to learn and then apply about my relationship with people vs. God. (I feel like I've gone a little off topic...)

So, my current goal is to learn how to love the people I care about (and everybody else too) without expectations! What does that mean? I want to be able to love others without expecting anything in return... no return phone calls, texts, facebook posts, or emails. No return notes or cards. If I can learn to be content in knowing that I'm loving someone to the best of my abilities and expect nothing in return, my relationships will change! That "love" that I'm speaking about can only be done with the love that God has given me and that He shows me.

Looking back at my words...

2009-06-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

The past few days I've been looking at some poetry that I've written. Some of it was dark, some of it was hopeful, but what they all have in common are they were once a form of release for me. I can barely remember what was going on when I wrote these poems; why I decided to put my thoughts down on paper I just don't know (maybe I was meant to share them with someone sometime down the road).

Here is one poem that I thought I would share with you all.

Footsteps

The shoes we try to fill were never meant to fit,

though a stride in His direction allows us to take comfort in it.

Walk away and lose direction they begin to rub and pinch.

Feelings of conviction? We've not yet lost Hope's sight.

His grace is sufficient for all our indiscretions.

Choose to believe Him and forgiveness will come;

not only from above, but out of our own love.

Mercy is upon us, yet we do not know the extreme.

He chooses instead to love us for we really know nothing.

Our eyes can be opened to the beauty that is He,

filling us with knowledge -- Creator of all things.

The footsteps are a guide to a road that leads to Him.

Our steps are supported, because He once took them first.

So choose to live in them and in doing so rejoice.

Until very recently, I've been choosing not to rejoice, forgetting all that He's ever done, given, and breathed into me. It's been a difficult and lonely time for me. That has been my biggest mistake... I read that Jesus has been referred to as the Paraclete. Para means "alongside" and kaleo means "to call". He is "the One called alongside". He is right there even when I don't feel Him. He made a promise to His friends - not to leave them (us) alone and that He will help us through our afflictions. He is always available and sometimes I forget that He has gone through every emotion, every suffering, everything I would ever go through and more! He knows me better than I know myself. So who better to call upon than the One who is there alongside us, never to leave our side?

A reminder that God is not far away (regardless of our circumstances)

2009-06-03T09:54:00.000-07:00

I must continually remind myself of this fact...

(have a look at these lyrics to the song below)

YOU ARE THERE

By Jimmy Robeson

When I don't have the words to say,

You are, You are there.

When I don't have the faith to believe,

You are, You are there.

You're my hope for tomorrow,

The peace for today.

You're the joy in my sorrow,

The truth and the way.

On this long road I've traveled is one thing I could say,

You are, You are there.

When I can't see the first from the last,

You are, You are there.

When my heart is broken and weak,

You are, You are there.

You're my hope for tomorrow,

The peace for today.

You're the joy in my sorrow,

The truth and the way.

On this long road I travel is one thing I could say,

You are, You are there.

You're my hope for tomorrow,

The peace for today.

You're the joy in my sorrow,

The truth and the way.

On this long road I travel is one thing I could say,

You are, You are there.

When I choose to get down on my knees,

You will... still... be... there.

Have a listen (from a post on YouTube)-

Jimmy Robeson: Calvary Chapel Bible College Murrieta @ Hope For Nations Benefit Concert

Why then is it so hard to know that He is there when circumstances lead you to feel otherwise?

Comatose (by Skillet)

2009-05-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

I hate feeling like this
I'm so tired of trying to fight this
I'm asleep and all I dream of
Is waking to you

Tell me that you will listen
Your touch is what I'm missing
And the more I hide I realize
I'm slowly losing you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'Less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I hate living without you
Dead wrong to ever doubt you
But my demons lay in waiting
Tempting me away

Oh, how I adore you
Oh, how I thirst for you
Oh, how I need you

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'Less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Breathing life, waking up
My eyes open up

Comatose
I'll never wake up without an overdose of you

I don't wanna live, I don't wanna breathe
'Less I feel you next to me
You take the pain I feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

I don't wanna sleep, I don't wanna dream
'Cause my dreams don't comfort me
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Oh, how I adore you
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
Oh, how I thirst for you
(Waking up to you never felt so real)
Oh, how I adore you
The way you make me feel
(Waking up to you never felt so real)

Songwriters: Howes, Brian; Cooper, John;

I've been thinking about this song lately...

Working at Hume Lake

2009-05-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

Last week I spent some time up at Hume Lake (in the Sequoia National Forest). It is so beautiful up there. It was my first time as a guest and worker. I carpooled with a couple friends from my Women of the Word small group (Cheryal and Sammie). We left early Sunday morning after grabbing a bite at McD's (about 7am). Check-in time was 5pm.

No problems on the road so we got there plenty early. We stopped by a famous landmark - General Grant's tree. I guess it's the world's 3rd largest sequoia and lives in Sequoia and Kings Canyon National Park. It's height is 268.1 feet and it's base circumference is 107.6 feet

I couldn't fathom it's size unless I saw it for myself! And even then it's unbelievable!

Before we walked the trail we grabbed a few photo ops...

(looking up in the park)

(me hugging the base of a tree)

We pulled into camp with a few hours yet to kill before being able to settle in. The lake was wondrous, surrounded by tall trees, colorful ducks (wish I had some close-ups), some fishermen, and folks all around breathing in the scenery.

There were even snow-capped mountains in the distance.

(morning view of the lake)

(cheery multi-colored tulips)

We went up the road and found Sandy Cove...

(Sammie & Cheryal on the bridge)

It's a quaint little beachy area - great for picnics with the family, along with a mild rapid flowing into the base.

The first work day there was filled with pine needle, lots and lots of pine needles. It's a fire hazard and the camp grounds needed to be cleared and ready for the summer (the camp is crawling with kids in the summer). Got through the first half of day two raking and found myself laid up for the remainder of the day - my back was going out if I continued any further. Day three brought me a new outlook (and group), I joined group #13 (the "Do Or Die" group). We were a group of maybe six - all with physical limitations, but we still wanted to serve, bring God glory anyway we can. I found myself at a two-room schoolhouse that was in need of cleaning (nursery & first grade). Day four brought me outdoors once again, but this time painting was needed. An addition was added to an existing building and it needed to blend in (chocolate brown). So I painted! BTW - I don't have a love for painting, but I did it and didn't complain.

Goal: give God honor & glory in what I can do!

Once that was completed, we got a personal tour of the camp grounds and saw how vast the camp truly is. My last job of the trip (and that day) was scooping out cookie dough for the kitchen staff (for us to eat after dinner).

On Wednesday, I experienced paintball for the first time! Surprisingly enough I didn't get hurt - I might have been extra cautious! I was nailed in the face mask (out of nowhere) the first game and never saw anyone to even shoot at! So I got more brave and moved forward from that moment on. I have no idea if I ever hit anyone, but I aimed and fired my 100 rounds during the next three games!

(great looking group, yeah?)

The following night we went on a night hike around the lake and came across the largest pile of poo I've ever seen. (It must have been a bear and now I regret not snapping a picture of it!)

Every night at 7 we went to chapel and worshipped with songs and received a message from Pastor Tom Thies (EFCC's Senior Adult Minister).

EFCC has been going up to Hume Lake for over a decade helping where needed. I look forward to next year's trip - I hope I'm able to do it again! That was my adventure! My only regret: not making daily alone time with God.

Picturesque Balboa Park

2009-04-28T17:30:00.001-07:00

I just wanted to share some pictures that I took (with my phone of course) while at Balboa Park (earlier today).

New read...

2009-04-17T11:43:00.000-07:00

I just started reading a new book, "Telling Yourself The Truth" by William Backus & Marie Chapman. I've only read five chapters so far but I am finding much Truth within it. Truth that needs to override the lies I tell myself. I just finished the chapter on Misbelief in Anger. Although I consider myself no longer an "angry" person, I found many false principles that I used to tell myself- an automatic response to my anger.

This book reveals that "most of what happens in your life happens because of the way you think " and that this book can show you how "to identify your own misbeliefs and replace them with truth" (God's truth). I know in my own life I have a hard time truly believing God's truth for myself. I can believe it for others, but have difficulty applying it personally. For instance, "I am precious in God's sight". My misbeliefs are quick to counter God's truth and often cripple my mind. This negative self-talk creates a barrier between me and my Heavenly Father.

"The constant repeating of misbeliefs is what sustains and perpetuates angry resentment. Constant repeating of truth generates peace and health."

Jesus experienced anger and we can see from His example, the way you express it can be in a loving manner. My own expressions of anger were not so loving... they didn't ever include yelling and throwing things, but they did have violent tendencies- I would punch holes in walls or hit a wall that I wouldn't be able to penetrate! My knuckles are thankful that I don't do that anymore! There are healthy ways to express anger. I was fearful of telling people what hurt me or offended me because they always responded defensively toward me, but in doing so it will prevent me from becoming bitter or resentful and preserve rather than destroy the relationship. Thankfully my communication skills have matured and so has my walk with God. I think as difficult as it may be for some (like me) to go to the other person and admit your anger, it is what Jesus teaches us to do. [In no way are we supposed to blow up at people, but share our hurts/anger with them.]

This chapter has taught me:

"There is no necessary connection between the behavior of another person and your anger. It doesn't matter how unfairly, unjustly or thoughtlessly someone has behaved toward you, you are angry because of your own self-talk. I make myself angry. Other people cannot force you to remain in a stew over their behavior. This is something you do yourself. To take it one step further, you make yourself angry by what you tell yourself."

By telling myself what "ought" to be (or how I "ought" to be treated) versus what actually "is" will only fuel my anger and I will continue to blame others for my feelings/thoughts and not take ownership of them, therefore I'm unable to correct the misbeliefs that I have conjured up in my head. The book suggests that each time you find yourself in a situation where someone aggravates you or hurts you, pay attention to what's going on in your mind. What are you telling yourself?

I'll be updating this blog as I read more chapters that touch me...

End of The Journey

2009-04-10T00:20:00.000-07:00

Tonight was the last night of The Journey- this semester's grief group at church. It was touted as an evening of celebration. Celebration of our loved one who's passed. We were asked to bring a picture of our loved one to have it displayed on a table in front of the room for all the men and women, who are journeying in their own trials of grief, to share.

We sat down at tables and shared a meal and a variety of desserts together then listened to the co-leader of the group sing a song. We were then asked to share a wonderful memory of our loved one while holding on to the picture we brought. This was an awkward moment for me... I didn't have a photo of my loved one (my unborn baby), nor did I have any memories to share.

What was I supposed to say? "I remember that drive home from work where I needed to pull over on the side of the road and take a nap, because I couldn't stay awake any longer! I was less than 5 minutes away from my house, but couldn't keep my eyelids open." That's my story about being pregnant--sheer exhaustion!

That would have been way too weird, but my evening doesn't end there! Another song is sung and then we're asked to stand in line, grab a flameless candle, then speak the name of our loved one into the mic, and go sit back down. Seems harmless enough right? Wrong! I never named my unborn child... I didn't know whether it was a boy or a girl. So I opted to stay in my seat while this all took place.

The evening ended with one more song and a final prayer- followed by socialization. I decided to skip out on the socialization for fear of explanation and uneasiness.

Carlsbad 5000

2009-04-06T16:49:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was my first ever race (I've done olympic-type races, but never for any one thing in particular)! Proceeds for this race went for Carlsbad education and for their athletics. I never thought I would have had as much fun as I did!

My number... The "photo" finish!

It was the Carlsbad 5000. I participated in the 5K walk with Jeremy and Michelle, while the others actually ran (Eddie, Adam, Rachel R, Jennifer, Kelly D, Christy, Kelly M, Risa, and Katja). The sun was brightly shining and an occasional wind was blowing. After the walk we perused the many booths while we waited for the runners to cross the finish line. There was some neat stuff there... free stuff too!

My spine was examined and I was told what I already knew... I'm misaligned, but the chiropractor did offer some encouraging words about the ringing I have in my ears (and have had my entire life). Of course he wanted my business and wanted to "cure" me - but I'm not sure if I believe it...

My blood pressure was taken. Healthy numbers: 107/61. There was also a nifty gadget that measured your body composition (fat ratio). I'm glad to hear I'm also within the healthy range for my height & weight.

There were many vendors that gave away free goodies as well. Many wheels to spin for a chance of winning free food like Pat & Oscars. There was a vendor that gave away free samples of supplements that give you your daily dose of fruits & vegetables all in pill form. Anyone that knows me... would not be surprised that I grabbed a week's supply ;-). Also they had free samples of energy/replenishment drinks. A particularly tasty grape one looked just like water! Man, I wish I paid closer attention to the name of it!

After our group (Runners of kin) finished racing we went to the field at church to go play some ultimate frisbee (typical Sunday afternoon)! Two hours later, I was fried to a crisp and ready to eat dinner! Some of us decided to go to Chipotle for a free burrito- thanks to them being a race sponsor. We needed to take advantage of the freebie-same day as the race, or we would miss out! After dinner the others went to go get cleaned up and go to a movie... I was so stinkin' (literally) tired and I needed to clean too. I was in bed by 8 pm, but not alseep until 9! I'm still feeling the affects of yesterday...

A thought...

2009-03-31T12:04:00.000-07:00

This morning a thought occurred to me... [Disclaimer] I don't know if this is truth or fiction, but here's the thought:

Mental Illness: Could it be, in part, due to our coping mechanisms that we have formed from our early years in life?

My coping skills weren't so great - ignorance & stuffing can't make for a mentally healthy life later down the road! Assuming I believe the above thought, I would say, from first hand experience, that I played a part in my own depression- it didn't just "happen". Had I learned how to cope in healthy ways, not in ways that served me as a child, I might have learned to deal with events in my life and not stuff or ignore my pain inside, thus not letting my emotions get bottled up for so long before I snapped and didn't want to feel anymore!

I know I'm a better person for having "snapped" and have learned how to communicate and expose my feelings in a healthy manner. I joke now that the bottle I once had, where my emotions were stuffed, has been reduced to a saucer- not meant to hold very much!

I am aware of people being genetically pre-disposed to mental illness (as I was one of them), but you can't change your genes. You can however learn to cope no matter what stage you're at in life. New skills can be introduced at any time in your life (healthy & unhealthy). How we internalize our thoughts and feelings can change the chemicals in our brains right? If we can let something bother us, eat away at us (like worrying can) and it affects our physical bodies, i.e., tight muscles, ulcers, headaches why not the chemicals in our brains?

I like to hear your thoughts too... please post a comment.

God's providential care

2009-03-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

GOD IS AMAZING! Need I say more? Probably, huh?

I've been praying for someone and wondering how I was going to tell them, "God has put you on my heart!" In prayer, I kept asking God what to do. Do I call this person? Do I drop them an email? What? I already knew I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say when I saw this person... but God had to bring me to this person before I could even talk to them.

Leave it to God to set the date and time, an appointment if you will, without my knowledge! After noticing a coffee joint (that I've never been to) that had free Wi-Fi up near the restaurant I had lunch with Jo Ann this past Tuesday, I thought I should give it a try sometime. That sometime was today! I finished my swim at the 24 Hr Fitness in Vista earlier today and had time to kill before my next appointment at 4 pm, so I made sure I packed up my laptop and decided to give this coffee place a chance. The ambiance: nice and quiet, low traffic noise, and virtually empty. I lugged my laptop, a book I've been reading, and my notebook and ordered a coffee (and cookie). I rounded the corner and set all my goodies down on the table. I looked up and outside sat this certain someone that's been on my mind and heart!

Amazing, I thought! I tapped on the window to say, "Hi" and a few moments later they came inside. Talk about God's providence! I couldn't have planned it if I tried. We began talking and I realized it was God's doing that brought us together! My "not-so-coincidentally" being there was just what they needed. That's always nice to hear...

Our talk was good (I won't go into topics or anything) and I'm glad they appreciated it as well. God has a way of letting us know we're not forgotten about. He brings us into contact with one another like no one else can. His care is everlasting and I appreciate (not always, but I should) His work in the bigger picture of my life.

Thank you God, for answering my concerns and making it happen!

Where's God when you're hurting?

2009-03-17T11:44:00.000-07:00

Suffering can be defined as "the bearing of pain, distress, and affliction". I believe loneliness and loss fall into their own category under suffering. Loss tends to make us feel like we are out of control; the circumstances and choices we make and endure are not what we would normally choose for ourselves. Loss can not only cover people, but pets, relationships, jobs (or finances), and passions. No one blatantly chooses these things! Yet these losses affect our reasoning and future choices. They affect our relationships. They cut to the core of our very being. They remind us of pain and times that we don't want to experience. But God uses these losses for His greater purposes... to draw us closer to Him, to help others in times of need, and more importantly to reveal His love for us (if our eyes are open and willing to see Him).

Why is there suffering and pain in our lives?

God does some of His greatest work in the dark

Creation (Gen. 1:1-2)

Deliverance

Exodus (Ex. 12:31)

Guidance (gives us His law)

10 Commandments (Ex. 20:21)

Christ's death

Crucifixion (Matt. 27:45)

Christ returns

"...like a thief in the night" (1 Thes. 5:2)

We are to be thanking God for our pain! Doesn't that sound absurd? God is shaping our hearts in this pain... it's His way of protecting us! And as much as we might wish we were dead, this pain, very much tells us we are indeed alive!

If we look at David (1 Sam. 30), we see that a young David has just been anointed king and Saul (the former king) is trying to kill him (jealous?). We learn these things listed below that David faced:

David had just lost his previous job.
He came back home to find out that his wife and children were kidnapped.
He lost his home.
His men (an army - 600) abandoned him.
He was being hunted and about to lose his own life.
He was greatly distressed.

But David persevered, he didn't give up. He strengthened himself in the LORD. We are called to do the same, to follow his lead. How do we do this? We do this through prayer, wait on His direction, recall the accomplishments of God's handiwork in our lives, we must seek counsel, and believe His promises to us!

It's so easy to isolate ourselves; try to work through the pain on our own! But this is the time we need Him the most! We aren't called to be alone! We are made to be relational! We need Him and His people in our lives to pray for us, to encourage us, to get us to the "next" thing. Sometimes we wait and the answers don't come. What then?

"Be still and know that I am God." - Psalm 46:10

I know it's in my very nature to want to control things, but do I really have any control? I need to drop the mentality that I have to control things. I also need to realize that I'm not asked to carry my own burdens but to give them over to God. Easier said than done, I realize! Something that I need to ask God to help me do...

I take joy in knowing Jeremiah 29:11 is relevant in my life and the lives of everyone, everywhere!

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future".

My pain is not meant to hurt me, not that it doesn't hurt me (because it definitely does), but it's meant for a greater purpose in my life (the same is true for you)!

The Family System

2009-03-12T23:27:00.000-07:00

The way the family interacts is called The Family System... It can be a Nuclear or Extended Family of Origin (the family you were born or adopted into).

Nuclear includes the caretaker (parents) and children.
Extended includes grandparents, grandchildren, uncles/aunts, and cousins

Within the Family System the child/children instinctively have roles. There are six distinctive roles within the family. You can be multiple roles as well. The larger your family (number of siblings you have) the more unique and defined your role is. For instance,

Crowned Prince - often the first born male, can do no wrong, often spoiled/pampered, gets own way, and runs the family.
Enchanted Princess - female version of the Crowned Prince.
Mascot - the compliant child, usually middle child, seeks approval/acceptance by "getting along" in the family system. Parents are often "proud" of this child.
Lost Child - is the least invested in the family system. Often a middle child and easily "lost" between older and younger siblings.
Clown - is the child who jokes and makes everyone laugh in the family, to protect themselves from feeling real pain and dysfunction within the family. They try to "cover up" the true identity of the family (which is often painfully dysfunctional).
Identified Patient - may cause the most problems in the family, but are the most "loyal" member. They act out in order to draw attention to the family system's dysfunction in order to get help.

I find myself taking on the Mascot & Lost Child roles within my own family. I was always easy going - didn't like to rock the boat. I did well in school and sports and I remember my mom telling me she was proud of me. Because my older sister is the Identified Patient - screaming out for help in various ways she sought the attention of my parents through her antics. (I would also agree that she is the most loyal member of the family!) It was easy for me to be solitary/independent and left alone, basically lost.

As the Lost Child, what the outside world doesn't see (and I can't either)-

Unimportant
Not allowed to have feelings
Loneliness
Hurt and abandoned
Defeated

As the Mascot -

Low self-esteem
Terror
Lonely
Inadequate
Unimportant

I realize now as I'm digging up my past, just how true the above statements are/were in my life.

What I represented in the family system was relief; at least one kid that no one worries about. I pretty much could be left alone/trusted without any problems.

As an adult, if I don't seek help this is what could happen-

Indecisive
No zest
Little fun
Stays the same
Alone
Dies early
Can't say NO
Can't handle stress
Marry a "hero"

Some of these things are present in my life and I don't want them for my future! Change is possible, with help. Instead my life can show traits of-

Independence
Talent
Creativity
Imagination
Assertiveness
Resourcefulness
Helpfulness
Good company

Only 3% of family systems are considered healthy, the rest unhealthy = dysfunctional! It's amazing how high of a number that is. I grew up in that 97th percentile! Parents divorced when I was 6 and I lived with my mom the whole year through, occasionally visiting my dad in the summer.

Characteristics of a dysfunctional family system-

Unable to identify feelings
Difficulty in expressing positive feelings
Difficulty in forming lasting relationships
Struggle with perfectionism
Demonstrate rigidity
Trouble adjusting to change
Feel overly responsible for one another
Constant need of approval
Members feel powerless to change
Marked by low self-esteem
Members don't know how to have fun!

I can recall struggling with many of the above characteristics and to this day some still affect me. The last bullet is one of the many things I currently struggle with. For example, there are things that are fun to do, but I either turn competitive or I can't seem to let go (lose my inhibition). I maintain a sense of self-control and have a difficulty being wacky or silly. I also think my inability to get "excited" about things stems from this same topic.

I write all this out because I want to recognize my past and heal, move forward and grow closer to God. If I can gain some understanding and know there's help, then I can heal; I can not repeat the past; I can let go and let God!

Any comments would greatly be appreciated! Thanks.

Do you have anger?

2009-02-27T22:22:00.000-08:00

Below is a checklist for hidden anger. As I came across this in The Journey last week, I noticed some of these things apply to me...

CHECKLIST FOR HIDDEN ANGER

1. Procrastination in the completion of imposed tasks.

2. Perpetual or habitual lateness.

3. A liking for sarcastic or ironic humor.

4. Sarcasm, cynicism or flippancy in conversation.

5. Over-politeness, constant cheerfulness, attitude of "grin-n-bear-it".

6. Frequent sighing.

7. Smiling while hurting.

8. Over-controlled monotone speaking voice.

9. Frequent disturbing or frightening dreams.

10. Difficulty in getting to sleep or sleeping through the night.

11. Boredom, apathy, loss of interest in things you are usually enthusiastic about.

12. Slowing down of movements.

13. Getting tired more easily than usual.

14. Excessive irritability over trifles.

15. Getting drowsy at inappropriate times.

16. Sleeping more than usual.

17. Waking up tired rather than rested and refreshed.

18. Clenched jaws --- especially while sleeping.

19. Facial tics, spasmodic foot movements, habitual fist clenching and similar repeated physical acts done unintentionally or unconsciously.

20. Grinding of the teeth --- especially while sleeping.

21. Chronically stiff or sore neck.

22. Chronic depression --- extended periods of feeling down for no reason.

I can recall the days when I didn't like going to work... I absolutely DID NOT want to be there! This is where procrastination came into play! Without fail, I would be 5-7 minutes late everyday to work! I was rebelling, this was my way to "stick it to the man" so to speak! I was angry that my superiors were treating me disrespectfully and had little to no concern about me and all the junk that was going on in my life. I needed to work to pay for my medications for depression, I was being harassed by my estranged husband (he'd call daily - to the point I couldn't even answer the phones at work), and I needed to be able to pay for therapy & doctor sessions.

I was very surprised to see sarcasm on this list! *I'm not being sarcastic*

As I begin to peel away the layers of memories in my past, I noticed I've always been sarcastic. I thought it was in my blood. I would joke that "Sarcasm" was my middle name. I've come to the realization that I have plenty of anger stored up from my parents divorce ( I was only 6 years old when they divorced); from the abandonment I felt when they split. I only saw my father during the summers and it was hard for me to comprehend why they were apart? I'm also upset that my ex-husband had (early on in our marriage) emotionally abandoned me - because I trusted him to be there like we promised in our marriage vows. It was hard to be around someone that claimed to love you, but wasn't ever there for you. I was angry at God for saving my life and it's taken a year or two for me to realize that He had a bigger plan for me. I'm actively living my faith and trusting God for it all. I'm not sure what all He has in store, but I'm at a better place in life with Him, than without Him - jobless and all!

A poem written on the bus ride to Mammoth...

2009-02-22T12:57:00.000-08:00

PILLAR

Strong & secure.

Beautiful & functional.

You strengthen the weak

and solidly support the broken.

Eternally indestructible,

capable of miracles.

My life, a rooftop,

exposed to worldly dangers -

detrimental winds and waters,

where muck and mire cloud

my effectiveness because I let it,

but you wash me clean and use it

for growth and goodness.

You keep me intact and off the ground.

My materials alone are inferior and simple,

yet You overflow my eaves with blessings.

As Your tools promote change within me,

I, too, am strengthened -

increasing in trust and faith for You,

not relying on my own components to do the work.

Your ways are just and never wrong -

structurally sound & holy founded.

To You, my Pillar,

it is only You that lifts me up!

Journey

2009-02-19T15:22:00.000-08:00

Today begins a new journey, which ironically has me dealing with my past. For the next 7 weeks instead of attending The Gathering at church I'll be attending The Journey. I really enjoy The Gathering and I look forward to returning soon, but since these two groups meet on the same night at the same time, I've decided to take a deeper look into my heart and I've come to realize that I haven't dealt with many issues in my past. My goal is to grow closer to God by learning how to grieve.

It seems strange to think about grieving = growing, but I've ignored some things in my past and I need to sort through them. I look back now and I don't know where to begin or how to begin the grieving process! Voila! Here's an opportunity designed to help me do just that! God's working in me and I want to obey.

Some of the topics of grieving include:

Depression
Job loss
Divorce
Loss of a loved one
Anger

Looks like I've got a lot to learn. Each of the above listed topics have affected me personally and I want to deal with them individually. I think this will help me learn from my mistakes (or the choices I've made), introduce positive coping skills in my life, and more importantly I will learn how to lay these things at Jesus' feet through grieving. I think this is NOT going to be easy. I feel many different emotions as I type this blog, but I know God's way does not equal the easy way. So this journey begins tonight and I'm going to miss my friends at The Gathering, but I know I'll be a better person for having done this.

It's been a while...

2009-01-24T13:34:00.000-08:00

I know it's been a while since I have

blogged and to be honest, I really haven't

been in the mood to pour out my thoughts.

Hey, today's a good day as any right?

My days have been consumed with

sleeping and facebook-ing, and by

facebook-ing I mean looking for former

friends from high school and grade school.

I really need to stop because it's

depressing me as I take a look back at the

trials I've faced and the new trials that I am

currently facing compared to where my

former classmates are in life. Many are married and have children

and that's not where I'm at. But these are the choices that I've made

for myself.

I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to others, yet in my

sinfulness and selfishness I'm not captivating my own thoughts...

they are running away at a high rate of speed! My intentions

were not to compare myself to others in this pursuit of reconnecting

but I let it go there. How is it that I can turn it around? I think I have

to resolve some things in my past... things that keep me from moving

forward toward God's will and purpose for my life. There are pieces

of my life that I have ignored and tried to sweep under my heart's rug.

I know that if I want to learn from my mistakes I need to confront my

mistakes and seek not only God's forgiveness, but my own forgive-

ness. These choices were made with purely selfish motives, never

once looking to God for His advice. Now I'm looking at the "end"

results and I only have myself to thank! *sarcasm* As I look back,

there are many choices that I wouldn't approve of making - and if they

came at me again today things would be different! I don't think I

would have given up so easily!

What I recognize now as absolute truths are important to me and so

is God's direction for my life (wherever that is). I find myself not

knowing where that is and to be honest it's quite frustrating (can

anyone relate?) ! God's waiting room is where I'm lounging... and at

times I'm comfortable there, but not right now!

*tangent*

I've never really thought of me as being the kind of person who

reflects on my past nor really the "intellectual" (now, I'm not saying

I'm stupid by any means, I'm just not a deep thinker), but as I've

made that statement (out loud) just recently I've find myself

reflecting. I think God wants me to look back and learn so as to not

repeat, but more importantly I think He wants me to come to Him with

all things (big and small, past and present) looking to Him for

guidance - to realign myself with His focus and not my own. I know

He can heal me from my past, showing me where my unresolved

hurts lie deep within my heart and bringing me through them.

Christmas Cookies With My Nieces

2008-12-22T10:28:00.000-08:00

Officially the Christmas season has begun for me...

Every year when my three nieces (Madi-7, Jada-11, & Raylean-12) arrive to spend Christmas with grammie, it's my duty as aunt (T.T.) to make and decorate Christmas cookies with them! This year was no exception. We make the traditional round sugar cookies and of course cut-out sugar cookies in a not so traditional way (using ready made cookie dough--such a time saver). The first tube of cookie dough was the easy batch - all round! The next tube was a little more tricky... getting out the cookie cutters and making sure they were all floured up to keep the dough from sticking (it really does help). Before they land on the baking sheet and end up in the oven they look like mini trees, bells, stars, angels, wreaths, and hearts! Now after they've expanded and cooked they look nothing like what they are supposed to! Why is that? It's a little disappointing... but as they cool my nieces grow anxious wanting to decorate!

As the cookies cool and the children wait... next comes making the frosting for the cookies! It's really simple! All you need is powered sugar, food coloring, and some milk! We had green, red, yellow, blue, and white frosting for the cookies this year. Not to mention for the fingers, shirts, pants, and tablecloth! They also have to pretty-up the cookies with: colorful sprinkles and balls, green crystalized sugar, and mini gingerbread men sprinkles. We usually have red hots too... but we must have run out (I don't even think they noticed)! I spent most of the time in the kitchen trying to get it back to a normal state of cleanliness (one of my biggest pet-peeves a messy kitchen)!

This is how they turned out this year:

What's next: a possible new tradition...?

We're going to make some chocolate covered pretzel rods! You may have seen them on Timmery's blog not that long ago! I'm all about making easy fun foods (if I have to make food that is)! Today will also be a real treat for them... Timmery is coming over to help make gingerbread houses! I will have pictures as soon as they become available...

Tsk Tsk Laura Bush...

2008-12-12T09:38:00.000-08:00

Now just the other day I heard on tv Laura Bush (yes, our current president's wife), a professed Christian, wish the American public, "Happy Holidays"!

When I heard those words my heart just sank...

This is our - the Christian populace's - time (when the phrase is readily accepted even by non-believers) to thank God for sending His Son, Jesus Christ, who saves us from our sin...

How?

By simply wishing everyone a "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays"!

As I learned last night at The Gathering, when we say "Merry Christmas" we are actually saying "I'm glad that Christ came"! I AM glad He came...to save us from certain death and to re-establish a relationship with our Heavenly Father that is ONLY available through the Son! What Christian DOES NOT want to profess their hope that lies in their Savior, Jesus Christ?

On a semi-tangent, yet relatable note: I've been thinking about what I might say to people who wish "Happy Holidays"...if it's not Merry Christmas, maybe it would be...

"HAPPY HOLY-DAY"!

Any thoughts? I'd appreciate it if you would drop me a comment.

Is nature waiting for Jesus' return too?

2008-11-30T14:01:00.000-08:00

While laying on a friend's bed, looking out the window in the master bedroom, I notice such beautiful trees full of color reaching out to the heavens and I wonder, "Are they, too, waiting for Jesus to return?" The trees and animals, all that has life, must be waiting in anticipation for the return of our Jesus. They, too, want to be disease-free and free from human destruction (or negligence), yet they stand tall; showing their brilliant colors - on display for the whole world to see!

We, too, are called as created beings of God, to be part of His greatness and beauty-to stand tall and to shine His light on others. He has given us wonderful colors of our own, like feathers on a peacock, to share with one another. Imagine with me for minute that everything we do, every act we perform, has a unique color all it's own and God sees these colorful acts as adding to the beauty of a world He created. Wouldn't that be amazing if we could see acts in the form of colors? In thinking this, I do foresee a problem...as it is in our nature, humans are going to want to interpret these colors and brand them "good and bad"! I think if we look hard enough at our own deeds, and the deeds of others, we are able to see God shining His light amongst us. It was in science class (long, long ago), I learned light is made up of a spectrum of all the colors and darkness is the absence of these colors. Spiritually this makes sense. God is light and without God there is only darkness! And what survives in total darkness?? Not much!

I think we can learn from God's other creations (you know, the non-human ones) to share our colors and be beautiful by the glory given to us only by the wonderful Artist who has painted, sculpted, built, transformed, and breathed His life into each one of us. I want the colors I emit to be vibrant and beautiful to my Master, regardless of my surroundings. I want to bring about the colors in those around me that are pleasing to Him, as I wait for Jesus to return.

My first day...unemployed!

2008-11-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day I am officially unemployed and I feel so free! It was a little chilly here in Oceanside, but the day is looking beautiful. I got up this morning (not too terribly late, 8-ish) and grabbed my Bible where I sat down at the table and began to read Nehemiah. I am impressed with Nehemiah's faith leading him into action, more specifically because he was deeply depressed (for four months) about Jerusalem being in ruins he prayed and fasted and still remained depressed.

I can tell you from personal experience, depression doesn't lead into action...at least it didn't lead me into action-but inaction! I only wanted to sleep, be left alone, and I don't recall praying or fasting through my depression, like Nehemiah did. I often wonder what my depression would have looked like if I was actively walking with my Lord and Savior at the time? Would my faith have been strong? Would I have been able to orchestrate the rebuilding of what lead me into despair? I hope I never have to find out...I think I am more aware of my mental state now, ready to question myself when something just doesn't seem right and make changes.

Back to Nehemiah...he sought the help of God to fix Jerusalem's walls and God gave him clarity and wisdom to pursue his goal, as it wasn't for Nehemiah's welfare, but for the entire Jewish nation. Of course there was opposition, but God gave him a strong mind to deal with the enemies' tactics. One of the most incredible aspects to this story is it only took 52 days to complete fixing the gates and some areas of the wall (I doubt even with today's technology and heavy machinery that this would be a possible feat, unless God was there to oversee it's completion). With God, the impossible IS possible!

"...With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Matthew 19:26

I want to start my days off right...give God the first of each and every one of my days, like I give Him the first of my earnings. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I use to give Him the last of my days and sometimes He didn't even get that. My days are His to begin with! And I want to be more alert to purposefully make sure I am doing this in my life and ponder the possibilities of God's continual work in me!

I never thought...

2008-11-22T16:33:00.000-08:00

...I would thoroughly enjoy karaoke! It made it all the more enjoyable that I was surrounded by my closest girl friends and I felt far less self-conscious about my inability to sing...so to be around those that love me, flaws and all, I was able to drop my guard and just be me! I guess I should back up and explain what I'm talking about... Last night was a get-together with friends to play games (you know... have a little fellow-shipping fun...), relax, enjoy each other's company, wind down from a week of chaos for some and the schoolwork-load for others...

The night began as we played some sort of pig-dice game (a crazy game where you toss two pigs and you get points for the positions they land in. 1st one to 100 points wins--congratulations Sarah!). Then came the 'let's sing" moment of my life! I "happily" accepted to be the first one to sing (you know...set the stage for those next in line)!?! We sang so many songs, I can barely recall them all. I don't even remember the first song I sang but here's a list of what we sang both individually and in duets and as a group:

Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dotted Bikini

Kokomo

YMCA

Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Ebony and Ivory

I'm Too Sexy

Wind Beneath My Wings

We Are The World

Hey Jude

Brown Eyes Blue

Frosty The Snowman

Jingle Bell Rock

Sexual Healing

Vision Of Love

Money Money Money

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Dancing Queen

Lady

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Turn Back Time

By the end of the night my voice had lost any semblance of tone that it might have ever been in...also my vocal cords gradually became raspy and horse. I was afraid I might not have a voice when I woke up this morning...but I was up and talkin' without fail! I had a blast and I know the rest of us did too (it was a little tiring).

Thanks Nadia for hosting! Thanks for the duets Timmery, Maria, and Sarah! Thanks for jumping right in Lissa (without skipping a beat)-you showed up and were handed the mic like it was your new best friend! Crazy dance moves too...

I'll have pictures soon too (thanks Nadia)...just waiting for you Sarah!

All you ladies are an awesome addition to my life and I wouldn't trade you for any other! Thank you God for the women than you have hand-picked to be a part of who I am and have encouraged me to be.

A hectic October...

2008-11-03T16:52:00.000-08:00

An era has passed...gone are the days of working for Office Depot as I know it! It's been almost 9 years that I have worked with the company, just over 6 years of them on Camp Pendleton alone. It's been a while since I've been able to post a blog and this is why...the month of October has been pretty hectic!

First, there was the move...I was given notice to vacate my premise by Oct. 29th. The landlords wanted to move in their mother-in-law (besides...I was looking to buy a home anyway). I had 60 days to get my belongings somewhere other than there. Little by little I grabbed empty boxes from Office Depot and began packing up my life. I found storage for my things and made numerous trips to & from storage with my things. I'm not one to procrastinate, which is why I couldn't leave everything until it was absolutely necessary to leave (which is what Rene Redifer wanted me to do). Rene offered up her family's time, energy, and resources to help me move! It was truly a blessing! Turns out they loaded up their truck in about 40 minutes and my home was empty...

Looking for a home to buy brings us to number two...I began spending any extra time I had physically looking at potential homes that I might want to buy while still working 40+ hours a week, attending Tuesdays women's small group, Thursdays PoCo at church, Saturdays second small group, and of course church on Sundays. Found an adorable home in great condition, put an offer on it and still waiting to hear more from the bank about it. Right now, I am the back-up offer! Someone else has put an offer on the table (higher than the comps in the area) but the bank hasn't accepted anything just yet (it's a "short-sale"). Not to mention, the owners are still living there - probably until the last possible moment they can?

And thirdly, but crazily and most importantly, my job will soon fade away...Office Depot will no longer be aboard Camp Pendleton. Halloween was the last day that we were able to sell our merchandise! We stayed until 10ish that night to begin the inventory process. [It's not like there were any parties going on that night!] *sarcasm* And returned at 7 the next morning for re-counts. That took approx. 3 hours. After re-counts it was time to clear the shelves - make way for the new vendor to bring in their product! After me and my crew busted our humps...no really I think mine's broken!...I took them out for lunch/dinner. We didn't even stop until the shelves were empty! I am very proud of the work we all did and how long it took us to do it! Now comes shipping the merchandise out...

Today was the first day of that process. Everyone but me was in the back getting merchandise together for transfers while I was in the office keying in all the adjustments from the inventory. It took me all day...not figuratively, literally - all 8 working hours to key them in! Now here comes some complaining (look out)...my back is sore, the muscles around my shoulders are extremely tight! I need a massage :-) Okay, I'm done (for now)...

In all this "madness" I am at peace! God has poured out His peace and comfort on me! AND I FEEL IT!!! Each day is new and an experience I probably won't ever have again. But, it didn't start off that way...I had 4 days of tears before I began to feel His presence. I didn't have any answers beyond my current state! Who needs answers??? God knows how He's going to provide for my needs. He knows what will happen next. All I can do is finish what I started. Go to work each day, do my job (try not to get irritated or frustrated...I am only human), give God the glory He's due. And do it all again the next day! That's how I am trying to live through this trial and will try to live out the rest of my days.

The verse Jeremiah 29:11 is particularly relevant to what I am going through and I will cling to it knowing what God is asking me to do.

Some of the more positive notes for October have been...I'm getting my full deposit back (for the apartment I was renting). I'll be getting a severance package from Office Depot when I leave. I've moved in with my mom (which will save me more money than having to rent an entire apartment by myself). She's got a of couple dogs ("my brothers" as she likes to refer to them as...) which are good for my mental state. I'm surrounded by friends who not only love me, but pray for me! I'm looking at buying an Apple laptop sometime this month (my PC is so ancient) and I'll be able to take (daily) photo's like Timmery *snicker-snicker*. Life's looking up! It's all about looking up isn't it? Looking to God in every circumstance. Whether you perceive it as good or bad!

Change...

2008-10-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was one of those days where life became overwhelming for me...my mind went into prep mode. The busyness and chaos that is imminent at work is weighing heavy on my mind. Just preparing for the store to close, thinking about my employees (their future, their concerns, the friendships I've made with them), and my future as well.

Not only is work crazy, but home life is too...I need to start packing up my earthly possessions...find a storage facility to house them all, and start turning off those things that are in my name (Internet and such). As the deadline approaches to move out, I realize I've done nothing to prepare for this day...I thought the transition would be easy. I was going to buy a home and all my stuff would move in there. Boy, God has other plans for me right now...

"...plans to prosper and not to harm..." Jeremiah 29:11

I need to rest and find comfort in this passage of Scripture...

God sent me His comfort by way of friends...Timmery was there and prayed for me as I let the uncertainty of my situation escape through my tears. Human touch is reassuring and helps alleviate the loneliness that accompanies me during times like this. I also received a "random" text from Lissa. God put it in her heart to reach out to me (when she didn't know how I was feeling) and offered words of encouragement. I'm thankful she was obedient to God's prompting--I felt His presence in all that was happening.

God does reach out when we're hurting! He cares about me and my problems. Even though it's not world hunger, it's not abuse, it's not war, it's not death...it's little 'ole me and my weaknesses, but God cares about every aspect of my life. I'm not alone, God is with me every step of the way. Which way? I don't know, but He will guide me if I'm obedient and let Him...even when I'm not obedient...He's stronger than my stubbornness!

My heart's prayer is that I am obedient and faithful to His ways and not fight for my own selfish ways...

What's your Goliath?

2008-09-27T12:28:00.000-07:00

I've just recently started reading (where I left off a couple years ago) Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants". It's not the kind of book you read from front to cover in a long weekend...rather, it's the type of book you may read a chapter or two at a time and then give some personal reflection on it. Last night I read the chapter "Taking Goliath down!". And it challenged me to be like David. You see, David didn't focus on the giant that was before him, he focused on God! He instinctively knew to turn to God and saw this battle as a chance for God to show what He's capable of!

Are we willing to risk our own lives for God's reputation?

Do we stand for God when people around us are telling us to either run and hide from our Goliath? Or do we prayerfully consult God and walk sometimes blindly, but faithfully to what He calls us to do?

There are times in my life that both situations have occurred. It's the times that I walk blindly, yet faithfully to what God's prompting, that I felt the most satisfied in life. Don't get me wrong...these times have been scary, because I began to wonder,

"How I can do these things? I'm not talented enough. I don't even know how to do that. What if my efforts are rejected?",

but God has comforted me and reminded me that what I do is not based on my own aptitudes or skills, it's another opportunity (as Max Lucado says) "...for God to show off!"

So I a pose the questions...

What's your Goliath? How can God make your giant(s) fall?

Some of my past giants include: a struggling marriage, a miscarriage, and depression. I ran so far away from my marriage that it ended in divorce, but not before I tried to end my life. Never once did I consult God to heal me from my emotional scars, or depression, or to heal my marriage. God's grace and healing has been there even when I didn't ask Him for it. He has turned my selfish choices into something I have learned to value because I have been healed... for His use of me to help others is just beginning!

The Goliath in my life right now is determining where I will be living by the end of October. It may sound small, but I need to be out of my place by Oct. 29th. And I don't have anything lined up! I'm looking to buy a home/condo in Escondido. Most escrows last 30 days (that's what I hear). And I've got nothing! I saw a real charmer of a home yesterday, but it's a "short-sale"! Meaning: the bank doesn't have to accept my offer, they can hold out for what they consider the "best" offer. Short-sales can take months! I know God can open doors! He's fully capable of making the impossible a reality! I prayerfully consult Him to open up a door, even if it's not this one...and I walk in faith that He will provide something for me!

So what is your Goliath? How can God bring you victory if you just let Him?

Poetry

2008-09-18T11:12:00.000-07:00

After reading fellow bloggers talk about their creative side and not creating the time to release/share part of who they are...I, too, began to think I might share some of the poetry that God has inspired me to write. So here it goes...

Disclosure: if you need to see poetry rhyme...sorry, not my style!

EMBRACE

As though You are far from me You reach out...

picking me up like a child uneasy in her first steps.

You dust me off shiny and new.

Your gentle caress, wiping my tears away...

with Your every stroke, residue of comfort and peace enters my heart.

Your arms are soothing to a soul that lacks the ability to comprehend You...

Your greatness, love, faithfulness, and mercies.

Wrapped up in Your glory allows me to let go of

once substituted earthly pleasures.

There is none more great than Your outstretched arms.

You are not far from me...it is I, who am far from You...

Take me there O' God; take my foolish ways from me

and teach me to never stray.

A plug for my best friend...Timmery's celebrating her birthday!

2008-09-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Timmery will be celebrating her 28th birthday on Saturday, September 13! All the details haven't been planned, but her "special lady friends" (you know who you are...) will get together and celebrate what a wonderful creation God has made in her. Place is yet to be determined, but she'll let us know (and soon)...she's even assigned homework for us (darn that school influence)!

It's crazy to think of the changes that she's gone through (or currently going through) all within the last year...

Quit her job (even the one where she worked for me)
Attends seminary (a ridiculous distance away)
Training to be a mentor (which just began)
Under a chiropractor's care - once again - for an old injury
Moved once and will soon move again (at the end of SEP)

Some accomplishments include:

Has 1 completion of ministry at church
Passed her first semester at school (with grades I'm envious about)
Completed lay counselling at church
Has her own blog (and now Facebook account)
Has a texting plan for her cell phone (which I must say is AWESOME!)

I'm sure I'm missing some accomplishments...fill me in (anyone) and I can update!

God has given her another year of wisdom and life experience that will undoubtedly prepare her for her future! I can't wait to be a part of the next year to come...What will God reveal and/or teach her in this next year? What will He reveal or teach you? and me?

Have a GREAT birthday Timmery...maybe I'll be able to post some pictures of the fun we'll be having?

This past week...

2008-09-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

I've been a step-parent to two large dogs, whose mom & dad went back east to visit family and friends. I miss the positive qualities that pets brought into my life. My current home prohibits me from have any pets, but in all fairness, I was also not wanting the responsibility that they bring like: feeding, pottying, medical bills, & a big responsibility - time! Pets need your time, otherwise it's just cruel! Why have pets if you don't spend them with them?

I've really enjoyed the attention I received from Bettis and Cleo. Each day I returned from work, they greeted me at the door...excited to see me (but maybe they were just excited to get out of the house and go potty?)! They wanted to play before retiring back into the house, and if it wasn't for Bettis' bum Achilles tendon she would be right along Cleo giving her a run for her money....chasing that ball and bone!

If you've read my previous entry, you know I'm looking for a new place to live...maybe I'll get a pet too. Thinking cat though...they are more independent and self-sufficient. I wouldn't feel too bad leaving them for when I go to work and then again for either small group and POCO get-togethers during the week! Dogs just need more attention!

For Sale???

2008-08-23T18:18:00.000-07:00

Everywhere I go...I see signs just like this one...well at least various versions of bank owned properties, foreclosed homes, & for sale by owner signs. Some properties are well kept, some need some serious help! I guess I haven't really noticed them before...

"Before what?" you might ask...Well, before I gave any thought to buying my own home. It's been no surprise that I have been trying to move back to Escondido. I've been looking for a small home or maybe a townhome/duplex to rent with Timmery, but nothing's come of our search. We wanted to stay away from apartment life! It can be real noisy at times and busier than what we were looking for.

It's incredible how much the price of homes for sale have dropped, but don't get me wrong, buying is still expensive! I guess now is a GREAT time if you're a buyer, not so much if you're the seller! So today I drove around Escondido armed with many property listings my aunt sent me via email (she's a real estate agent if anyone is interested?). I was able to cross many off my list... some homes were in "sketchy" neighborhoods, some were just sketchy. I also found a few not on my list, just by driving around. Of course none of those have any $$$$ listed so I can even consider "Could this be the one?" I made a call on one. Left a voicemail with the promise of an agent returning my call quickly. That was 10AM, I still haven't received a call back (it's 7PM now).

Well, I'm more excited than ever before...that this could be a reality for me! Never in a million years did I think I would be considering buying a home. And all on my own! This IS a crazy notion that I am trying process. This is such a blessing, to even consider the reality of home buying! God is such a wonderful God! Hope is more present in my life now than ever before! Through and with God...ALL things are possible!

THE SHACK

2008-08-02T12:06:00.000-07:00

After hearing Timmery talk about and reading her excerpts from "The Shack" (by William P. Young) on her own blog, I asked to borrow her copy so I could read it. I just finished it this morning and I must say, it definitely touched my heart and made me reflect on my own relationships...with the obvious: friends and family members, but also on my relationship with Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and God.

"It's all about relationships and simply sharing life.

What we are doing now--just doing this--and being

open and available to others around us. My church is

all about people and life is all about relationships."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Each relationship between two persons is absolutely unique.

That is why you cannot love two people the same. It simply is

not possible. You love each person differently because of who

they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you. And

the more you know another, the richer the colors of that

relationship."

Before I finished reading this book, I had tears slowly streaming down my cheeks...blurring my vision as I struggled to finish up the last few chapters. And, if you truly know me, you know that tears don't come easy for me....I've always fought them and counted them as a weakness for me. But I know that it is in these tears that my pain can begin to heal as I let God wipe them away. Why is it that society always wants you to stop crying by offering you a tissue? Whereas God welcomes your tears as a chance to draw you in and be your only source of comfort. Does crying make others/outsiders uncomfortable? In all honesty, when I see people that I don't really know crying, I am uneasy. But when someone whom I'm close to cries, that uneasy/uncomfortable feeling is replaced with care and concern, it touches my heart in a way that calls me into action. Although I have no clue what to do, the response instinctively turns to being available and there for them, whatever way they need it.

One theme in this book is forgiveness..

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting, Mack. It's about

letting go of another person's throat."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver, to release

you from something that will eat you alive; that will

destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"...you may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times

the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less

and each day after, until one day you will realize that you

have forgiven completely."

Without forgiveness, you truly can't move toward God wholly and completely...whatever your situation. Forgivess is no easy task, but without it, you still grasp for control over your life versus giving back to God the control He rightfully desires as our Creator. One of my biggest obstacles was finding the ability to forgive my ex-husband for how our marriage ended (not to mention forgiving myself for my role as well). It wasn't of my own power that I was able to do so...I felt Him nudging me toward the need to forgive and during much prayer along with the help of email, I told him so. Such a burden was lifted from my shoulders and I didn't feel trapped and constricted anymore by that which held me down. My family didn't understand it when I told them what I did. Some didn't think it was wise to open up any form of communication with my ex...what they didn't fully understand was - the lines of communication weren't opened up with my ex, they were opened up with God.

http://www.theshackbook.com/

Permetheus

2008-07-23T19:07:00.000-07:00

(7/23/08)

For the past two weeks or so, the downstairs women's bathroom at work (nearest the break room) has been inhabited by something I've named "Permetheus". He (or she) has been living in the big stall in the afore-mentioned bathroom, specifically - under a propped up 6 foot army green metal cabinet (which houses cleaning supplies). Early in the morning you can find Permetheus lounging on the wooden wedge that props up the cabinet (I think the floor is slanted, thus the wedge) or (s)he'll poke it's little head out from under the cabinet, taking in the "sights". Some folks have been "terrorized" by Permetheus' presence, but they are learning to co-habitate!

Permetheus has become pretty bold as of lately! Noise is no longer a disturbance to him/her and will only duck back under the cabinet if you stomp your feet nearby. To my surprise, Permetheus has made the trek from the bathroom to the break room (maybe looking for a snack?). Unfortunately the word around the break room is, "There is already another four-legged resident who has claimed the break room...a mouse!" I have yet to witness this mouse, but others are saying the mouse is bigger than Permetheus. Will there be confrontation between the two? Who's higher on the food chain? I know reptiles eat mice...but do mice eat reptiles? I left today not knowing the outcome between them. What adventures will tomorrow hold for Permetheus and the mouse?

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Today's sighting of Permetheus led me outside the store...not where I would have thought I would find him/her! Permetheus made the long haul through the store, pass the registers, and just outside the exit doors! It amazes me how (s)he even got out of the bathroom and now to find his/her way through the maze that is Office Depot!! I've got customer's who get lost from one exit to the other...I'm sure it had to be an urgent decision to "Get out of Dodge"...just look at the photos below...

(7/24/08)

It's my belief that mice and lizards DO NOT MAKE GREAT friends! I don't know if I'll ever see Permetheus again...being tailless with a right shoulder wound and all! Maybe the food chain continues on with Permetheus as dinner for some little bird or bunny? There's plenty of wildlife on Base. -- Goodbye Permetheus :-(

Sea World 2008

2008-07-14T21:10:00.000-07:00

Last week while my sister and neices were in town, we went to Sea World! My...how things have changed??? They actually have a roller-coaster there: Journey To Atlantis! We took Madi on her first roller-coaster ride! Tamina (my sister) coaxed Madi through the ride...did I mention that Madi is only 7yrs. old? Her older sisters Jada (11) and Raylean (12) are already "old pros". They've been on the ride before - when their school came for a field trip! They enjoyed the adventure... Madi? Not so much! Tamina kept telling her she's "riding with the big dawgs" as a form of encouragement! It didn't help! She made it through, but didn't want to have any part of it...any more! We rode one more time, handing Madi off to our cousin who was working the ride at the time! It was FUN! I guess Madi's not ready for Six Flags just yet?

Somethings never change...Clyde and Seamore (the walrus and sea lion show) remained the same, only the outfits and performers have changed! New show - Pets Rule, was fun! They had pets (dogs, cats, pigs, birds, ducks...am I missing anything?) perform a variety of tricks. What was neat was that all the pets were "rescue" animals from animal shelters...see..."You can teach an old dog new tricks" - cats too! Dolphin show & Shamu...not much to change really! What I wish they would bring back is the Sparkletts Light & Water Show!!! Does anyone remember that? It was timed lighting, set to music, mixed with dancing streams of water! The 4-D show (Sesame Street) was okay, CA Adventure seemed to be better. We all got wet on the Roaring Rapids ride...sure wished it wasn't so cloudy or that the sun was beginning to set!

I tried to post a slideshow of my Sea World photos (all pictures were taken from my phone mind you)...but I can't seem to figure it out???

Needless to say, I had a great time...well spent with family...sure wish we got an earlier start though! There's always next year?

An adventure with Herbert...

2008-06-16T17:40:00.000-07:00

Timmery affectionately named this bug on her windshield (yesterday), "Herbert". I'm not sure why, but the name seemed to fit at the time? Herbert decided to take rest on an unsuspecting, newly cleaned windshield...the one attached to Timmery's car that is! We were getting ready to go home/duplex/apt. hunting and this little guy wanted to give his wings a rest and so......he landed. Little did he know, he was in for an adventure...one at times in excess of 70 mph!

We took off...leaving the gated community where his rest was supposed to begin. Little Herbert had his six feet (or so I think there were only six) firmly planted to the glass! We made our way into the fast moving street - it was hard for Timmery to stay focused on the road and not on Herbert. We slowed down to take a corner, all the while affixed is our attention on a bug not bigger than my fingernail, just below the area (approximately 3-5 inches) where those reminder oil change stickers go.

"Hang tight little buddy!" About a mile down the road and we've reached speeds of 50-55 mph just to stop and hit the breaks for a stoplight. Still there. We wait patiently, watching his every move. He begins to rub his back legs together then the middle set. He walks in circles for a bit. Is he dizzy, I wonder? "He's got great aerodynamics"...the wind hasn't phased him one bit! I think he's been lulled into a false sense of "this is finally over"...but off we go again...the light has turned green and the pedal is to the metal!

We approached the freeway at Center City Pkwy and the 78. It's going to be the freeway where he's a goner, or so I thought? We've gone at least 70 mph....probably more, Herbert even surfed through the hairpin loop, the one to hop on 15-S. This is one tough bug! We reach our off ramp and drive down the road a bit, getting stuck at another red light. Our outside passenger is still with us. Once we pulled into the apt. complex and parked...car completely off...Herbert flew away and didn't look back! We traveled with Herbert for 4 miles and it was sad to see him go....

S.W.E.E.T.(ly) said...

2008-06-11T19:59:00.000-07:00

Last night seemed to be a "hit"! It was the last night of our women's small group gathering (from church) before the summer session begins and goes co-ed at the beach in Oceanside. The last five weeks or so, each of the girls led an evening....it was leader's choice. One night we watched someone's favorite movie - About A Boy, another - we spent time "being still" before God by meditating and reflecting on our own hearts, then there was an episode of VeggieTales - what's not to love about Snoodles?, then there was game night - pictionnary & guess your famous identity! Last night Sarah and I shared the lead and mixed words with candy! You might ask how the two relate?

To begin: S.WE.E.T. stood for "Sincere Words Everbody Enjoys (to be) Told! It was an evening fillled with sweet words and sweet treats! All who attended brought their favorite candy to share(but didn't know why)! I could have opened a small candy store with all that we had on hand. Everyone drew a name, secretly, and had to write "Words of Affirmations" for that person. Fifteen minutes were given and this was done in two rounds. Since Sarah and I were leaders, we prepared our "SWEET words" in advance for everyone who attended (we didn't restrict ourselves to only two women). I think that made it more personal and allowed us to reflect on each special woman there that has touched our hearts in one way or another.

Everyone was given two sheets of paper with the title and explanation of S.W.E.E.T.(ly) said. They were to use these sheets for whoever's name they drew and begin telling that person kind words that they see in them...all this was done in secret. We didn't sign the sheets, we only collected them and divvied them to their correct owners... just in case, people were shy! I think we know each other well enough, that we were able to figure out who wrote what? :-)

After we all wrote, we took some moments to read what other's wrote to us/about us. I think this is something we could implement in future get-togethers? Who doesn't smile when they read something positive about themselves...that someone you know has written them...just for you? It was a special night. Did I mention that my love language is "Words of Affirmation"? It's ironic, because I am lousy with words...but I love being on the receiving end...when they are kind words!

Spirit West Coast Del Mar '08

2008-05-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

This weekend was incredible! I volunteered at SWC this year for the first time...helping out at the chiropractic and massage ministries. This ministry was a true blessing to be a part of...to be able to help others who are doing God's work either as performers or as behind the scene personnel. To see multiple ministry worship avenues not constrained to a church setting, permeating the entire grounds was an awesome experience to be involved in! I can't wait to do it again next year!!

Performers like Jars Of Clay, Toby Mac, and BarlowGirl were so uplifting and God-honoring, there were times my body shivered feeling God's presence consume me in the moment, blocking out any sort daily worries that typically consume my thoughts and I felt His light surround my body like a force of energy that was unstoppable! Oh...to be able to live like that 24/7...I know it will take actions on my part to do so. God is here with me and I must make choices to be there with Him at all times, giving all of myself...always!

This is my prayer: Lord allow me to never lose sight of who You are. Don't let me get caught up in my daily routines and exclude you from any aspect of my life! You are my hope! Your light shines bright on me erasing the darkness that is past. Forever do I put my hope and trust in You. You, alone, are God and I praise You...

B-day Dinner (one week later...)

2008-05-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

My birthday dinner finally came to fruition....I think I savored it all the more because I had to wait even longer for it? As you may or may not know...I have two favorite restaurants each with their own favorite meal: 1st - Ocean Thai (that pineapple curry I mentioned in "Favorite Foodstuffs") and 2nd - Outback Steakhouse (also mentioned...the Outback Special with cheesecake for dessert)! The food was awesome, it always is...but more importantly it was the company that I had dinner with! I don't spend the same quality time (or even quantity) with Sean & Courtney as I once did...but it was great to catch up, share, and reconnect. They've even secured a second meal with me as part of my birthday present (and this time at Ocean Thai)! I can't wait!

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity." Proverbs 17:17

and work continues on....

2008-05-17T12:27:00.000-07:00

Many of you know my work "situation"....extension and after extension with no true definitive answers about how long Office Depot will remain on Camp Pendleton. Well, we received another extension (30 days with 3 'option' months)....surprise, surprise! Don't get me wrong I feel and know that I am truly blessed. God's working this situation out, learning me during this time and hopefully I am growing in His presence. Something worth mentioning...back east Office Depot received the award from GSA (a government entity that will eventually be running all USMC supply stores) for both the Camp LeJeune and Albany stores. So....when GSA is ready to come into Camp Pendleton and take over, it is highly likely that Office Depot (me!) will still be working there...unless God has another direction for me? That is comforting news, not only for myself but my current staff as well (which is too small...so I humbly ask for prayers that God brings me more employees to run the store)! We are a tight-knit crew and I love them all!